


there will come a time, you'll see

by KeyKnows



Series: Shigure/Artorius [2]
Category: Tales of Berseria
Genre: Drama, Happy Ending, Kissing, M/M, Obliviousness, Pining, Romance, bc I'm weak, but WHAT IS CANON, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 11:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10661415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeyKnows/pseuds/KeyKnows
Summary: Shigure kisses him, slow and conscientious and sincere.And Artorius is absolutely terrified.





	there will come a time, you'll see

**Author's Note:**

> i was on my second playthrough of berseria and i get to the part where you meet Shigure for the first time; the party asks Eleanor what she knows and she says thAT SHIGURE IS ARTORIUS BODYGUARD AND I LOST MY SHIT 
> 
> so here is this, hope you like it

The meeting has been going on forever. Shigure isn’t even sure _why_ he is here, being a legate doesn’t actually mean that he has any saying on how the Abbey acts, Artorius and Melchior are the ones that make all the calls, and certainly they don’t ask for his opinion.

Right now Oscar is saying something about how the situation is holding up in Hellawes, the last place he was stationed on for some time. For the approval he hears in Melchior’s voice things are probably going fine.

He’s trying to pay attention to what he’s saying, he really is, but Oscar doesn’t have anything remarkable to say besides a typical, uneventful status report, and considering the fact that Shigure still doesn’t know why he’s here, Oscar’s words are going right over his head, and the call of the meeting was so _early_ and the chair he’s using is _so_ comfortable…

 _Shigure!,_ Morgrim says from within him, _Shigure_ , _wake up!_

“I’m awake,” he grumbles under his breath, quite enough to don’t call attention to him. Or so he thinks until he feels Teresa’s deadly cold gaze over him.

He pays her no mind. He accommodates on his chair, adopting a rather uncomfortable position to resist the urge to sleep.

He tries and fails once again to pay attention to Oscar, but the guy is so damn uptight on his way of speak and he’s saying something so uninteresting that Shigure just can’t focus.

His gaze starts to wander around the room. They’re in a meeting hall in the Villa, so the place exudes opulence, it’s decorate in white and blue and, unfortunately for Shigure, besides a few bookshelves there’s nothing interest to look at.

Eventually, he starts looking at all the presents. There’s Teresa beside him, looking at Oscar like he’s speaking the Empyreans’ word or something and she’s even making _notes_ , like what her younger brother is saying would actually hold any significance after this meeting is over. Melchior, in other hand is looking at Oscar in mild interest, making questions here and there.

And then, there’s Artorius, at contrary side of the long table. He has remain silent for most of the meeting and is looking attentively at Oscar. Shigure observes him for some time. The man fascinates him for many reasons, not just because he’s the only person that can put up a good fight against him but because Shigure knows that Artorius is actually stronger than him.

Artorius’ swordsmanship is what caught Shigure’s attention when he first met him, so many years ago when he had another name and different goals, but that’s not what ultimately made him stay at his side. Artorius is a man wrapped in mystery, everything about him seems calculated, like he’s in complete control of himself at all times, in whatever situation arise, like he’s always a step ahead.

At the same time he seems always distant, cold and, Shigure would even dare to say, sad. He knows something happen to Artorius the night of The Opening, a lot happened that night, he saw members of his own family and servants became daemons that fateful day and he can only guess that, whatever happened to Artorius, it was probably on a similar note. 

But no one really knows where he came from, why he stablished the Abbey as it is now. He just came one day, claimed the Empyrean Innominat as humanity’s savior and called those with resonance to fight.

It all seems very noble, probably it _is_ noble. But Shigure sees the strange, discreet sadness around him and can’t help but wonder. He wonders so much about Artorius.

Like right now. Artorius is, apparently, listening to Oscar with absolute concentration but now that Shigure has spent a few minutes observing him he notices that Artorius’ eyes are slightly close and that he has been blinking _a lot_ , and that can only mean one thing: he’s sleepy. Sleepy just as Shigure is listening to Oscar.

His scrutiny must be noticeable by now, because Artorius tears his gaze apart from Oscar to look at Shigure. Shigure smiles at him, empathically, as to say that he’s bored as hell too. Artorius merely returns to look at Oscar but Shigure doesn’t miss the slight shine of something as amusement on his blue gaze.

Shigure doesn’t laugh because Morgrim reminds him that it would be improper, but he doesn’t stop smiling. Teresa is giving him a dirty look again and he couldn’t care less.

Oscar finally finishes talking and takes a sit beside his sister. Now is Melchior’s turn to talk and if Artorius doesn’t have anything to say the torture would be over in a just a few minutes because Melchior actually goes to the point when he speaks.

So, they listen to the old legate say his piece.

“…and there’s also the matter,” Melchior is saying “about a Lord Artorius’ bodyguard.”

Shigure, Teresa and Oscar have the same face of confusion at his words, but the only one that speaks his mind is Shigure.

“Why would he even need a bodyguard?” He asks, suspicious at such ludicrous idea, if there’s something Artorius need it isn’t anyone’s protection.

“As things stand,” starts explaining Artorius from his seat “, Melchior believes it would be proper for me, as the head of the Abbey, to have personal security, if only for the comfort of the public.”

“Indeed,” says Melchior “and as we all know, not everyone has seen reason, there are still those who oppose the Abbey and it would only be adequate to take suitable precautions.”

It seems to Shigure that giving Artorius a bodyguard would only be a display of power and a warning for those Melchior speaks of.

“But, my Lord,” Teresa says “if you allow me the observation, Lord Artorius’ strength is well know of, who could possibly be fit to serve as his bodyguard? Giving him someone not skilled enough would certainly be damaging to the purpose of giving him one.”

“We have already discussed that matter,” Melchior answers “and we believe that giving the circumstances there’s only one possible candidate. Shigure,” he calls “you’re to serve as Artorius’ bodyguard for the time being.”

Shigure snorts, and Teresa looks at him scandalized for his lack of manners.

“Me?” He says, “why me? Isn’t someone else you could push this on?”

“No.”

“Oh, c’mon,” Shigure says, putting his hands on the table “I’m sure there must be someone. Or if it’s a matter of strength why don’t do it yourself? You’re in pretty good shape for a man your age.”

Now, both Teresa and Oscar look scandalized. Melchior closes his eyes for a moment, as to calm himself and says:

“Because I’m busy with other matters and, more importantly, because you’re _free_.”

Shigure smiles, he loves messing with the old man and is so easy to rile him up.

“All right then,” he says “if you ask so nicely.” 

* * *

 

“What do you mean I have to follow you everywhere? Wasn’t this just for show?” Shigure complains, a frown on his face.

They’re in what could be consider Artorius’ office. It’s a spacious room in the Villa that obviously wasn’t design to be an office, but they had to do many arrangements when the Abbey started gaining power and someone decided that Artorius’ needed to have an office.

“Precisely because it is for show,” Artorius says behind his desk, eyes on the bunch of papers before him, “is why it would be appropriate for you to be around me and...”

Artorius lets the sentence hanging and makes a pause.

“And Melchior insisted.” He adds, but Shigure has the impression that wasn’t what he wanted to say.

“So?” Shigure asks deciding to ignore Artorius’ unspoken words, “you’re the head of the Abbey not him, to hell with what he says.”

Artorius sighs.

“It’s not that simple, Shigure.” He answers with some grief, like it really is a complicated matter and it pains him being unable to explain.

Shigure makes a face. He knows that it is as Artorius says, and exactly because it’s for show people has to see Shigure around him, but still he thought he was gonna be able to get away with not actually doing it.

Being around Artorius doesn’t bother him though, in fact he’s quite on board the idea of hanging with him, but if anything Artorius has a pretty tight schedule and Shigure is starting to worry about when he’s gonna have time for himself, more specifically, for his training: which is pretty much all he does besides Abbey business.

For the first time in all his time as legate he regrets not taking in more responsibilities, because Melchior is right, he’s _free._ He has almost zero administrative duties, mostly because Melchior doesn’t trust him on such delicate matters, and he only gets to leave for other cities when an especially strong daemon appears, so he has absolutely no excuses to don’t do the job.

And besides, he can’t imagine Artorius will be enjoying having him around.

“Ooookay,” Shigure finally says, defeated “let me go get my sword.”

* * *

It’s been a couple of hours since he officially started his duty as Artorius’ bodyguard, but Shigure feels like he has been sitting here for at least a few centuries.

He has been watching Artorius’ back while the man is hunched over his desk reading god knows what; if he is honest, Shigure knows little to nothing about how the Abbey actually works, he knows about exorcist ranks and about the duties every rank has and so on, but when it comes to the intricate web of bureaucracy that spreads in the Abbey he’s absolutely lost. He never really bothered learning about it, as a legate he answers directly to Artorius so he doesn’t need to know.

Right now he can’t help but be at least slightly curious, because whatever is written on the papers Artorius is reading, it _can’t_ be that important. And he knows Artorius has other things to do, research about the Empyreans, about Innominat, about stuff that will actually accomplish something.

Shigure gets up and starts walking around the office. He feels Artorius gaze following for a moment before returning to his reading, ignoring him. There are bookshelves covering the walls, most of them just hold files about the Abbey, probably similar to what Artorius is reading now, but there is one that has actual books. For the titles he can guess they’re about religious history and old Empyreans legends; some of them are in the ancient tongue and he can only get a few loose words, and others are in some dead language that he has never seen before. He takes one of them at random and browses it with mild interest.

He can feel Artorius’ gaze again as he does it and turns around.

Artorius is sat with his left hand laying loosely over the desk, his paperwork finished at his side. Shigure has the impression that Artorius was done for some time now and he simply chose to wait for him to turn. He reprimands himself for not noticing.

“You’re done?” Shigure says, leaving the book where he found him.

“I am.” Artorius says while getting up “Now I shall go to the training ground, there’s a group of recently graduate exorcist, and I need to look on their teaching.”

Only now that he has got up, Shigure realizes that Artorius was keeping his sword discretely hidden under the desk and feels like an idiot for not seeing it before, he had assumed Artorius was unarmed at the moment.

He’s never going to beat him like this.

“Oh, so is one exciting job after another,” Shigure says sarcastically.

Artorius doesn’t answer his comment and starts walking towards the door, expecting Shigure to follow him without being told to.

Shigure clicks his tongue: It will be a long day.

* * *

The visit to the training ground is as dull as Shigure expected it to be. It’s basically Artorius giving a seminar about stuff that, in his opinion, recently graduate exorcist should already know. However he knows that the Abbey focuses on them knowing how to use artes and for some of them, the use of a sword, spear or whatever, will be secondary; most of them also have a commoner background, with little to none combat training.

Shigure knows all this but still scoffs at their performance because if they’re unfortunate enough to be assigned to a remote place full of daemons, they will get themselves kill. Artorius knows this too, of course, so he does his best at teaching them as most as possible.

In any case this isn’t time wasted at all, because right now he has the opportunity to learn about Artorius’ fighting style too. He has already seen it in action and up close a few times, but it’s nice to have the chance to compare what he has seen with the theory basis in which it is found.

He entertains himself for a solid hour watching Artorius speak, explain this and that, do some demonstrations. Shigure is captivated with what he says, with what he does and how, and can’t be nothing less than marveled at the fact that Artorius is the strongest swordsman he has ever known even after losing use of is right arm.

The young exorcists are looking at Artorius with fascination too, but Shigure doesn’t think that they really understand the significance of learning from someone like him, not for lack of recognition of his abilities, but because they aren’t warriors.

After teaching them the theory, Artorius gives them some moves to practice in pairs and lets them be for a while. He goes to the bench Shigure is occupying and sits beside him.

They silently watch the exorcist do their repetitions for a while.

“When do you even train?” Shigure asks after some time, looking at him.

Artorius doesn’t turn to face him, still watching with critic eyes the performance of the exorcists.

“At night, mostly.” He answers.

“When you’re done with everything else?” Shigure saw Artorius’ agenda, Melchior shoved it on him before sending him to his office this morning, and knows that, if no eventuality arise, Artorius is done with his work around eleven at night.

“Yes.”

Shigure stays silent for a moment.

“When do you even sleep?”

Artorius turns slightly then, questioning in his eyes.

“Are you worried about my sleeping habits?”

“More like wondering how the hell you put up with all this, I mean, I saw your schedule, there’s barely time to breath.”

Artorius says nothing, but his gaze falls to the ground for a moment, like he’s wondering what to answer to that. Shigure is patiently waiting for him to talk when he sees a flash of metal by the corner of his eye.

He moves as quickly as lighting and draws his blade just in time to block the sword that came wildly flying in Artorius’ direction.

“My— my apologies! Lord Shigure, Lord Artorius!” A frantic young exorcist says running at their side with a terrified expression “I wasn’t concentrate enough on the exercise and I— I was reckless, my deepest apologies.” He says, bowing deeply.

Meanwhile, the rest of the exorcists have stopped to look at the cause of commotion. Shigure sheaths his sword and looks at the young exorcist unamused. The poor guy is practically shaking under his gaze.

The bastards are going to get themselves kill someday, he thinks.

Behind him, Artorius is about to say something, but Shigure beats him to it.

“What are you all doing?!” He screams at the exorcists that are looking at them “I thought Lord Artorius gave you something to do!”

There’s a quick murmur of apologies and then they start doing their repetitions where they left. The culprit of the incident is still bowing in front of him.

“And what are you doing?” He says at him “Accidents happen, take your blade and pick where you left or you’ll be throwing swords at people forever.” 

The young exorcist rises slowly and looks at Shigure in bewilderment. He was probably expecting a reprimand, he knows the teachers at the Abbey aren’t known for being easygoing.

“Ye— yes my Lord, my apologies.” He says quietly, he bows at him again and then at Artorius.

Once they’re left alone again, Shigure takes his sit.

Artorius is now facing him, looking at him with interest and Shigure doesn’t remember when was the last time he hold the man’s attention for so long. It’s making him a little nervous, if he’s honest, having Artorius blue, intense gaze over him.

“What?” He decides to ask.

“You could be a fine teacher.” Artorius comments.

“Don’t even think about it.” Shigure says quickly “I hate teaching.”

“Why?”

It’s so rare for Artorius to show interest in something that isn’t work. Actually, most of the time he doesn’t even seem interest on his work, is most like he just does what he has to do mechanically.

It’s even rarer for him to show interest in _someone_. For a moment, Shigure just stares straight at him, surprised but weirdly pleased with Artorius’ attention.

“It’s…well,” he finally starts saying “I don’t think I’m cut out to it. I demand too much of my students.”

“That sounds like you would be a strict instructor, not a bad one.”

“At the beginning yeah, maybe, but I get disappoint easily. The people I’ve taught to never hold to my expectations.”

“I see.” Artorius says, tearing his eyes away from him to look at the young exorcists “I understand the sentiment.”

Shigure feels, for some reason, stupidly happy at sharing something like this with Artorius.

* * *

“May I ask why Morgrim isn’t with you?”

It’s finally lunch time, a little too late if someone asks Shigure about it. They’re in a big dining hall generally use by, but not exclusively, exorcist’s apprentices, orderly exorcists and some low ranked praetors. It’s usual to see some priests too.

Shigure himself doesn’t eat here and when he does he prefers to do it when there’s less people about. As for Artorius, he knows that it’s not his habit to eat here either, but he guesses they’re here to make a quite statement about Shigure being his bodyguard. Or something.

In any case, Shigure would have a hard time dealing with the uncalled attention if he wasn’t so damn hungry. He makes a mental note to take a heavier breakfast for now on.

“Morgrim?” Shigure says, putting down his spoon “She didn’t want to come, said that if she was going to bore herself she would rather do it in our room.”

“You give her way too much liberty.” Artorius answers “What if something were to happen?”

“I don’t use malak artes and you know it.” He thinks about leaving it there, but can’t help himself when he adds, with a smirk “And besides, I don’t need them to protect you.”

Artorius makes a face…kind of. His eyes sharpen faintly and his mouth hangs slightly open for an instant, like he doesn’t know what to say to that, and he probably doesn’t because he simply shakes his head and starts paying attention to his meal.

Shigure feels strangely proud of getting that reaction.

He tries to go back to eating but his focus keeps shifting from his meal to Artorius. Shigure would like to think he knows the man, as one can learn a lot about someone when crossing blades, but the truth is that Artorius is pretty much a mystery. What he is besides the head of the Abbey, the man that lays behind the façade of the impeccable leader and savior is something that practically no one actually knows.

Shigure would like to know him like that, so it’s inevitable for him to get distracted, especially now that he has the opportunity to get to know him, so he looks a little too obviously at the way Artorius eats, meticulous and mechanical as all he does.

“Is something the matter?” Artorius says suddenly. Or at least it seems suddenly to him that was lost watching him.

“No, I…” it’s weird for Shigure to be loss for words, if anything he has a usually sharp tongue, an answer ready at any moment.

But what he’s supposed to say? How to explain to Artorius that he’s curious of him, that he would like to know him better, that he’s fascinated with all he does and how?

If it will sound as bad as it just did in his head, he’d be best just not saying anything.

“It’s nothing.” Shigure says.

Artorius doesn’t press for an answer.

* * *

“Should I like, take to your room or what?” Shigure asks, standing in front of Artorius’ desk.

The day has advanced with no major eventuality and now it has finally end. Since the whole bodyguard thing is for show, Shigure guesses that his duty has finished now that no one will be there to watch him follow Artorius around.

“It’s not necessary.” Artorius predictably says while getting up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, same time as today.” He goes for the door with Shigure behind him.

“Ok.” Shigure answers, somehow disappoint for the quick, dry farewell. “Goodnight, then.”

“Likewise.”

Artorius closes the door, locks it and then starts walking to the right of the big, empty hallway. Shigure sees him walk for a moment and then goes on the contrary direction.

He gets to his own room in autopilot, the day has been long and exhausting; he didn’t expect that having to stand around doing nothing would take so much energy. What’s worst about it it’s that didn’t train today at all, he’s gonna have to arrange some free time to be able to.

“Wow, you really did spend all day lazing off.” Shigure says, when he sees Morgrim curled up on the middle of _his_ bed.

Morgrim, who probably wasn’t sleep upon his arrival, opens one eye and stares at him with smugness at his accusation.

“Jealous?” She asks while lazily stirring up.

“You have no idea.” He says, sprawling down on the bed. “It was so… _boring_.”

“I guessed as much.” Morgrim comments. “And besides being immensely mind numbing, how was your day?”

Shigure tells her about it. About having to watch Artorius do his paperwork, seeing him teach to the young exorcists, getting to share the meals with him, having to accompany him to some meetings, then more paperwork, and then finally being free.

“You’re so lucky you don’t have to go with me.” Shigure almost recriminates her.

“Indeed I am,” Morgrim agrees, a smile in her voice, “but it doesn’t sound like you had a bad time at all.”

Shigure stays silent for a moment, looking at the tall ceiling of the room. It’s white and blue like almost every room in the Villa. Morgrim is right, he thinks, despite having to put his training regimen on hold and doing nothing all day.

“No,” he answers after a moment “it’s wasn’t that bad.”

After hearing him, Morgrim looks at him with a weird gleam on her yellow eyes and Shigure doesn’t miss it.

“What?” He asks.

“I was just wondering,” Morgrim says “why would that be.”

She says it in a cryptic tone that has Shigure giving her a dirty glance.

He and Morgrim are in tune in a way most exorcists aren’t with their malakhim, mostly because since malakhim don’t have freewill there’s no way they have any kind of relationship with their vessel. But Shigure thinks that isn’t the only reason why he and Morgrim are so close.

She doesn’t dwell inside him as often as she did when they just made their pact and they have practically never fight together at all, in part because Shigure doesn’t need anyone’s help and in part because he doesn’t _want_ anyone’s help. Still, there were a few times he used malak artes but found it unsatisfactory; Morgrim didn’t seem eager to aid him with artes either and instead offered to help with his training.

And maybe is that, he thinks, why she knows him so well. There’s nothing that speaks more clearly about him than his fighting, his training, his sword, and Morgrim taking an active part on all of it surely brought them closer.

That’s why he doesn’t like her tone now, she is _insinuating_ something and he doesn’t have idea what it can be. Because maybe Shigure has get to know her too, can tell the things she likes and what she doesn’t, what hobbies she has, can guess her mood, but Morgrim is _old_. He doesn’t know how old exactly, she said it was irrelevant information but the fact reminds that she has been on this world far more time than he can imagine and she can get a grasp of things in a way he doesn’t. After getting to know him, she can read him like an open book; it’s a part of their relationship that he doesn’t appreciate at all, because sometimes it seems like she realizes about stuff way before he does and it’s frustrating.

It sounds just like that now too, but he doesn’t try asking her what the hell she means because she _never_ tells him.

“Oh, you’ll realize in time.” She says, like she just listened to his internal monologue.

“Agh, shut up!” He tells her.

She snickers, as much as a cat shaped malak can, anyway.  

* * *

The subsequent days pass in pretty much the same way the first did. It’s both boring and endearing having to be around Artorius at all times; boring because he couldn’t care less about the Abbey administration and endearing because it’s _Artorius_ we’re talking about.

He couldn’t put with this if it were someone else.

Shigure has decided that, if anything, he should try to take advantage of his situation and get to know Artorius better. He already knows him as a swordsman and as a leader, but he wants to know him as a person too.

He takes on the task by paying attention to the little things. He may not seem like it, but in true he’s very good at catching details about people, observation is a fundamental skill that any warrior needs to harbor and Shigure knows how to use in battle and out it.

What he notices first is that Artorius is in a permanent state of absolute composure. It’s not like he didn’t know that before, but he had honestly expected that his calm, controlled demeanor was just a thing that he did when he was in front of people, playing his role of leader. But Shigure has spent the last weeks following him around _everywhere_ and not once has he seen him falter.

Artorius doesn’t show anything of what he’s feeling at any moment, either. Shigure thinks he must be tired of all the work he’s always doing with little breaks in between, but he has never seen him voice it, let alone show physical fatigue, his back always straight and his eyes always sharp. Shigure also thinks that he must get angry, sometimes, since he has to deal with people that doesn’t always agree with him and doesn’t always voice their concerns in the educated manner one would expect for such _upstanding_ members of society.

He should have punch High Priest Gideon on the face for making such blatant accusations about Artorius in the meeting a few days ago, like _he_ of all people had any right to judge.

Shigure would’ve expect Artorius to say something at all the times he was threated disrespectfully, which are more times one would guess, but he just stands there and says what he has to say with utter stillness and Shigure just _can’t_.

He would have also expect that Artorius showed a certain degree of, if not happiness, at least relief at getting approval for the Royal Family about things he needs to do or at hearing a particular important mission went well but there’s _nothing_.

It becomes frustrating, day by day, seeing everything that should evoke emotion in him slip down Artorius like butter.

But Shigure notices the little things, and even if Artorius is adamant on keeping his façade at all times, Shigure thinks he can see glimpses of what it’s under it.

Artorius carries himself with eerie serenity and has an air of righteousness about him that make him both intimidating and reliable; this all people can see but what most people misses is that in his impossible calmness, he also seems melancholic.

 Even more so when he’s in his office and, probably used to having no other presence there, gets his guard slightly down. Shigure watches him work in silence and if someone were to ask him to describe what he sees, he would say Artorius looks like the ancient portrayal of some fallen hero that’s slowly losing its vibrant, original colors. He can say this because he saw that original dyes, a lot of time ago, when he met him and fought him for the first time and Shigure thought he had found his rival.  

He would like to know why he’s like this now, when so many years ago he shined brightly, a powerful flame in his heart. It’s not his place to ask, however, because despite having a mostly amiable relationship with him, Shigure is under no illusion that they’re something like friends.   

Artorius keeps him around because he has proven himself useful, and Shigure stays because he wants to fight him.

Still, he should probably start somewhere if he really wants to know him better.

There’s a small, wooden pendant hanging from the hilt of Artorius’ sword. Shigure had already noticed its existence but it’s only now that he stops and _wonders_ about it. The leather thread that keeps it on its place looks almost new, but the pendant itself seems worn down, the white painting on its surface fading. It’s old but well kept.

“Hey,” Shigure calls, slightly wary of the reaction he will get, “what’s that in the hilt of your sword?”

They’re in the training ground again, the young exorcists practicing some moves, the sound of their voices and screams offering them some kind of privacy.

Artorius, sat beside him, drags his gaze to his sword resting over his lap, parallel to the ground. He observes the wooden pendant.

A minute passes and he doesn’t say anything. Shigure hasn’t try to break the silence either, too busy beating himself up for daring ask, thinking he probably messed with something that he shouldn’t. It’s hard to say, given that Artorius’ face looks as inexpressive as ever. But his silence speaks loud enough.

“It’s…it was a necklace.” Artorius says suddenly looking at the pendant “It belonged to my wife.”

Wife? Shigure doesn’t know what surprises him most, if discovering that Artorius was (is?) married or that he decided to share the information with him.

He takes a moment processing what he just heard, but eventually Shigure can’t help himself and asks:

“Your wife?”

He probably shouldn’t press the matter seeing that it obviously upsets Artorius at some degree, if not, he wouldn’t have token forever to answer his first question, but Shigure has never been a person of much sensibility and he _wants_ to know.  

“Celica.” Artorius says, still not looking at him “That was her name. She died years ago.”

“I’m sorry,” Shigure says immediately, “for your loss…and for intruding.”

Now Artorius looks at him. The blue of his eyes as hard as ever, the same immutable face he always wears.

“Thank you.” Artorius tells Shigure and then something _incredible_ happens.

Artorius’ eyes go for a moment to the left and his lips move a little, showing an internal struggle of sorts, a wavering doubt that Shigure has never seen on him. He always shows himself confident of his words and actions, and even when he has to take a moment to find a proper answers, the cold calculation of his thoughts is obvious. Something like this, this unsureness, is something completely new.

“And you’re no intruding.” He whispers.

He tears his gaze away from Shigure then, like he has noticed his slip up and wants to cover it, pretend it didn’t happen.

Shigure doesn’t say anything else either, somehow bewildered of the short conversation, at his discoveries and the implications they carry.

* * *

“Did you know he was a widow?” Shigure asks Morgrim that night.

Strictly speaking she has her own room, with her own bed and all. It used to be a small, adjacent room to the main chamber that was originally destined to serve as a study, but Shigure didn’t have use for it so he decided it would be put to better use as Morgrim’s bedroom.

Despite that, and probably because malakhim in general don’t need or are fond of materials possessions as humans are, she prefers to hang around him, only using her room when she wants some privacy.

Right now, Shigure is already on his bed ready to go to sleep, the only thing illuminating the place being an oil lamp on the night table. Morgrim is neatly curl up beside him, offering warm and company just like a real cat would. It was a little hard at the start to get comfortable enough for them to be like this, especially because Shigure loves cats and it was difficult to remember sometimes that Morgrim is _not_ a cat; in any case, they’ve worked on it and now they’re at ease in this kind of proximity. And Morgrim actually enjoys being pet for time to time, anyway.

“I didn’t.” She answers “Did he tell you how it happened?”

“He just said it was years ago and…I didn’t want to pry.”

“How thoughtful of you…and strange,” Morgrim comments with some bite.

“Hey, I _can_ be considerate.” Shigure says, fake indignation in his voice.

During all day, the only thing in his thoughts has been his short conversation with Artorius. He couldn’t have guess that he used to be married, but idea that his wife died, probably at The Opening, explains many things about him.

Or at least it explains the melancholic air he carries.

Shigure can’t really imagine what it’s like to lose someone at something as arbitrary and meaningless as The Opening, since the only people he had ever loved, his mother, some of his brothers, died by his blade.

Perhaps, he thinks, Artorius is still mourning that lose. For how long is one supposed to grieve something like that? He cannot tell, and he surely is no place to say it and he knows it’s selfish from him to think so but, if it really happened at The Opening, hasn’t it even enough mourning already?

“I know you _are_ considerate,” Morgrim concedes “but you certainly don’t know how to actually be it.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re pure of heart,” she explains, snugging against him.

Well, of course, he couldn’t be her vessel or a legate if he wasn’t (thought he doesn’t really know how, or who decides someone is pure hearted, he doesn’t think of himself as that at all).

“So?” He presses at her silence.

“So just be careful, about what you say and do.” Morgrim answers “Being pure of heart means that your actions are based on good intentions, but good intentions can still hurt.”

Shigure looks at her, waiting for some more clarification on what was that about, but Morgrim has already closed her eyes and seems pretty determined to go to sleep right at this very moment.

He hates when she gets like this, all wise advice and vague meanings, playing the part of the millennial sage malak.

“You can be a real pain, you know that?” He says.

Morgrim purrs in contentment and Shigure sighs. He turns off the lamp and goes to sleep too.

* * *

They don’t talk about Artorius’ wife again. Shigure thought about asking more, after all Artorius did say that he wasn’t intruding, but he remembers Morgrim’s words and decides that, even if he doesn’t really got what she was trying to say, is best to be cautious.

In any case, after weeks of having to be around each other all the time, they have fallen in a comfortable routine and are more at ease in each other’s presence. The change is almost unnoticeable, but Artorius seems a little more relaxed when he’s alone with Shigure and has even start some conversations himself.

He asks Shigure why he doesn’t use malak artes and why he refuses to take another malakhim besides Morgrim, even though he could easily do; he has also ask him about his training, if he has been able to arrange his schedule.

Despite this sudden interest on his person, however, Artorius doesn’t ask him anything too personal. At much he inquiries about his preferences on certain things but even when Shigure mentions something that is clearly an invitation to keep on asking, Artorius doesn’t.

Shigure thinks it would be only fair for Artorius to know a little more about him in return of what he shared with him, but the man doesn’t seem interest on knowing anything about Shigure besides the absolutely necessary. The idea leaves Shigure somehow dismayed.

He tries to don’t dwell long on the feeling, however, and these boring, calm days at the Abbey continue to past with no major eventuality.

Shigure finds curious that Artorius has spent so much time at Loegres lately, since he’s usually busy traveling. He asks Artorius about it while they’re at his office.

“There’s no other place I need to be at the moment.” Artorius answers, accommodating some archives in one of the bookshelves.

“Don’t you get bored here?” Shigure says, passing him the documents he needs to arrange. “Going for traveling around to having to sit here all day sounds like a pain.”

“The change of pace is hard to get used to, but I wouldn’t say I find it boring.” After a moment of consideration Artorius adds “But if you mean this task, specifically, then yes, it’s boring.” He sighs.

Shigure laughs. From time to time Artorius says things like this, that make him a little less unapproachable and distant that, in a way, reveal him as human.

It’s a weird way to put it, to say that only in certain moments Artorius appears human because, well, he _is_ human, but with the way he carries himself, and the idolatry in which he’s always bathed and his stony face, sometimes is easy to forget about it.

As far as Shigure has seen, these moments are few and far apart and there always seems to be some kind of consideration before them; he thinks it must be tiring to constantly watch oneself like that. He’s glad that, around him, Artorius allows himself a break.

He would like it for Artorius to do it more often, it cannot be good to be so damn tense all the time and, honestly, it’s really endearing to have those glimpses; Shigure feels they bring him a little closer to him.

* * *

They’re at the training ground again. The exorcist that Artorius has been watching over are finally going to be assigned somewhere, it may be here in the capital where they’ll be safe or they could end up in some remote city in risk of getting killed.

Artorius is giving them a speech about duty, righteousness and what not. Shigure is appropriately standing a few steps behind him while he does so and at the other side of Artorius are Teresa, Oscar and Eleanor; she’s a praetor too and although she doesn’t hold quite the same rank as the half-siblings, she has proven herself to be quite dedicate to her work and has a good impact on the moral of the exorcists.    

Shigure despises having to be here because meetings and speeches are the most boring part of his work. He never can get free of them, even if he wasn’t playing to be Artorius’ bodyguard, he knows Melchior would’ve found an excuse to make him come here, he always does.

He busies himself with his own thoughts for a while but he gets tired of that too. Artorius is still speaking, and despite Shigure paying zero attention to his words he entertains himself listening him talk. Artorius has a nice voice, deep and even, with a nice rhythm that makes easy to hear him speak.

Shigure looks at him, at the way he talks and the gestures he makes for time to time with his left hand, at the composure with which he carries his body. He looks at his face, at his sharp features, at the way the bangs at the sides of his head swing when he moves; he looks at his hard, blue eyes and at the emptiness in them that makes him uneasy, that makes him wish for a way to fill the void in them.

He has occupied himself with looking at Artorius so much that he almost doesn’t notice when the speech is over. There’s a little commotion in the crowd and they start making three lines in front of each praetor, waiting for their assignment.

Artorius turns and walks towards him and Shigure doesn’t bother on hiding his insistent gaze and follows Artorius’ movements. He can’t help it, the measurement Artorius puts in all he does makes him look almost ethereal.  

“Is something the matter?” Artorius asks when he crosses the few steps that were between them, noticing the very obvious way Shigure is looking at him.

Giving how close they suddenly are, the insignificant difference in stature makes itself noticeable. Artorius is a few centimeters taller than him, and Shigure has to rise his gaze ever so slightly to meet his eyes. 

Shigure is not so sure how he didn’t notice how really _handsome_ Artorius is until now. And just when that thought enters his mind he notices also their physical proximity and something flutters in his stomach and he realizes, quite unceremoniously, that he’s _fucked_.

“Nothing,” Shigure manages while kicking his sudden thoughts at the back of his mind “just wondering why the hell this takes too long.”

Artorius is giving his back to the other exorcists and behind Shigure is only a wall, so he allows himself to quietly sigh.

“I don’t know.” He says.

And for some reason, Shigure smiles at that.

* * *

“Morgrim!” Shigure exclaims ramping through his door “Morgrim!”

He probably shouldn’t be screaming at this hour of the night but he has been waiting all day to talk to her and he needs to do so at this very instant, so there’s no time to waste.

In the same fashion a cat does, Morgrim enjoys hanging out in the high places, so when her voice comes to him from the top a bookshelf behind him he’s not startled. At all. Or maybe a little, but he’s just a little stressed at the moment, that’s all.

“Shigure,” she says, lazily getting up and squinting her eyes at his reaction “What’s with all this hassle?”

He turns on his heels to look at her, and his face must be a sight to behold because Morgrim takes a look at him, and says:

“Did you tell him?”

Shigure blinks.

“Tell who wha—?” He pauses, looking at her and resolutions slowing falling over him “Did you know?”

Now Morgrim blinks, realizing her mistake.

“Did I know what?”

Shigure covers his face with one hand and gives a long, grieving sigh.

“How did you—?” He intends to ask, still covering his face, but cannot quite put his questions in words so he just groans “Morgrim…”

“And what did you expect me to say?” She answers, a little on the defensive “It was something that you were meant to discover for yourself, if you even discovered it, that is.”

Shigure grunts and goes to sit on the edge of his bed. Morgrim follows him, getting off the bookshelf and then hoping on the bed, beside him. The two of them stay in silence for a while, Shigure’s face now buried in both his hands.

“But…did you tell him?” Morgrim asks quietly after a moment.  

“Of course not!” He exclaims, turning to look at her “I just realized what the hell is going on, of course I didn’t tell him anything!”

“Oh, well, that’s a relief,” she says, clearly more relaxed now “For a moment I thought you’ve gone and messed it up.”

He gives a dirty glance at her comment and she just shrugs…as much as a cat can, anyway.

“How did you figure it out?” Shigure demands “I didn’t even noticed until today, how you knew it?”

“Shigure, please,” she says, looking at him with a glint of amusement in her eyes “it was obvious.”

“It wasn’t!”

“Well, it was from my point of view.” Morgrim elaborates. She stays silent for a moment, considering her next words, but after a while she adds, quietly: “And besides, admiration can easily turn into love.”

“Don’t—” Shigure says, rising a hand to make her stop “Don’t say that.”

“Why not?” She says “Isn’t that what we are talking about?”

“No, that’s not it.” He says, with finality.

He can almost taste the insincerity of his own words. It never really occurred to him that such a feeling was taking harbor within him, but now that it’s in plain sight he can’t really deny it.

It was not simple curiosity what made him desire to know more about Artorius. That’s not what makes Shigure look at him intently and it’s not simple admiration what makes him stay at his side. He still wants to fight with him and beat him, of course, but…but that’s not all there is.

The fascination he feels towards Artorius suddenly makes a lot of sense.

Shigure gulps and looks at the floor between his feet. He has been in love before, when he was young. The experience he remembers the most is his first love, it didn’t go anywhere, the girl was a servant working for the Rangetsu House and his mother didn’t allow him to do anything about what he felt.

But that had been in his teenage years, back then his love had burn bright and powerful: He truly did feel like not being at her side was going to kill him. The other times he felt in love were less intense, but they also weren’t like this. What he feels now is…different.

It’s quite, for starters, quiet and still, it doesn’t burn him on the inside and doesn’t desperately claims his attention; but it’s there, constant and strong, and now that he knows it’s there it presses his heart slightly and makes feel him warm.

“Maybe…” Shigure says after a while, “…maybe it is.”

Morgrim smiles. It’s usual for people to deny his feelings, perhaps because they hurt or because they don’t match with their idea of self, what they think they are, want to be or are supposed to be; such contradictions breed malevolence and if given the case, daemons. But if there’s something that defines Shigure’s character it’s his honesty, with people and, most importantly, with himself.

She noticed that his interest in Artorius had changed in nature a while back but, of course, she never brought it up. It was dangerous to do so.

It still is, she muses, especially now that he has realized it and he has to do _something_ about it. He may not have voiced it yet, but if his furrowed brow is an indication of anything, he’s thinking on what to do now that he feels like this and is aware of it.   

And Morgrim cannot say she knows Artorius, she doubts anyone can actually claim to know the man, but she has live for a long time and she has seen men like him before. Men less noble than him, less powerful too, but just as empty and broken. She knows how this tale ends.

She almost wants to warn Shigure about it, wants to tell him to don’t go and do anything stupid, to keep his feelings unspoken and save himself the pain.

But the decision of what to do now is ultimately his. Shigure respects will almost in the same measure he respects a powerful opponent and Morgrim thinks it would be discourteous on her part to even suggest him what to do. If he doesn’t ask her, she’s not going to voice her opinion on the matter.

But even so…

“Are you going to tell him?” She asks, suddenly.

Shigure looks at her with an indecipherable expression and says nothing. And that, certainly, is all the answer she needs.

* * *

The next day Shigure feels predictably _awkward_ in Artorius’ presence. He hates every minute of it. He feels really stupid when he enters to the office and has the urge to look at the floor instead of looking at him, like some boy having his first crush. He fights the urge and greets him with a lazy smile like he always does; Artorius answers with a nod.

He despises the feeling of uneasiness that falls over him now, when yesterday everything was just fine and he was happy in his obliviousness. At the same time, however, Shigure gets to appreciate his time with Artorius in a new way and he feels really lucky for having the opportunity to just hang around him. It’s a weird sentiment, one that he hasn’t felt in a long time, but he welcomes it.

He’s kind of nervous with the whole thing, of course, but being in love is just…nice, it’s a nice feeling to have. Shigure can cherish that, at the very least.

In any case, his most grave preoccupation is that Artorius will notice, eventually, that something is off about Shigure, he knows Artorius is very observant so it’s only a matter of time. However, the question is that if, when he notices, he’s going ask Shigure about it or not.

A part of Shigure wants him to notice and ask, because that would mean Artorius is somehow interested in him; but another part of him dreads the idea of being questioned on the matter because what the hell is he going to answer?

Morgrim didn’t say it, but for the way she acted last night she’s obviously against the idea of Artorius ever knowing about Shigure’s feelings and honestly, he can see why. Because Artorius is so… _detach_ of everything, of others, of himself, apparently of his own emotions, what would he do if he knew of what Shigure feels? What would he say?

The possibilities are both scary and thrilling, feelings Shigure knows well and enjoys immensely. It’s like having a good fight against a worthy foe, you never know how it’s gonna end.

And he, certainly, doesn’t know how _this_ is going to end.

He silently observes Artorius work like he has been doing these past weeks and notices something different.

“Hey,” Shigure calls.

“Mmm,” Artorius hums but doesn’t turn.

“Where’s your malak?”

The only malak Artorius keeps with himself at all times is a redhead one called Seres, but Shigure can’t feel her dwelling inside him right now.

“There was something I need to check on Eeastgand,” he answers “I sent her to it.”

“On Eastgand.” Shigure repeats, aware that’s the place where Innominat’s shrine is “Did something happened?”

“Hopefully no. She must be back within a few days.”

There’s a lot of malakhim here at the Abbey, so in the case that something were to happen while his malak is away, Artorius could simply take another one to fight, but Shigure knows Artorius practically never fights using other. It’s not like he’s powerless like this, of course, but being how cautious the man is, Shigure finds it curious that he didn’t take the precaution of tethering another one.

“What if something happens?” Shigure asks, echoing a conversation they had what seems like ages ago “You gonna be alright?”

Artorius puts his pen down and turns to look at him, his face serious. For his expression, Shigure expects him to say something about how he’s not defenseless without his malak, but what he gets instead is:

“Oh? I thought you say you could protect me?” He says, his voice of a different quality.

The remark takes Shigure off guard and it takes him a moment to realize that Artorius just made an offhanded joke.

He laughs, loud, and with far more impetuous that the small joke deserves.

“Well, yeah,” he says in return “but I didn’t expect you to let me do all the work.”

“Why would I want a bodyguard if he’s not gonna do all the work?” Artorius replies.

Shigure snorts, his smile wide and bright.

“You gonna get rusty like this,” he warns “I don’t know If I wanna fight a guy like that.”

“We’ll see.” Artorius says and starts turning again, giving the short conversation for finished.

Artorius didn’t smile, but Shigure noticed that his eyes were softer during the whole exchange and he feels warm inside thinking about. His smile stays on his face longer that it should, while he sees Artorius get back to work.

He wonders if Artorius can tell.

* * *

A few days pass and what Shigure both dreads and yearns, happens: Artorius asks him what’s up with him lately. 

They have just finished a meeting and Artorius waits until everyone gets out of the hall to turn towards Shigure. He looks at him intently for a moment, like wanting to decipher him without having to ask him at all.

Shigure feels a little nervous under his gazes but, honestly, he should’ve know what he was getting into, he could have probably avoid this situation, because even if Artorius has noticed that there’s something different about him it’s unlikely he would have brought it up now, if it weren’t for Shigure’s careless actions.

In his defense…well, there’s actually little in his defense, but he just couldn’t help it. The meeting was as dull as they always are, but Shigure started actually paying attention when the representative of some shipping guild that wasn’t happy with the Abbey’s involvement on trade affairs voiced his opinion on the matter, in a rather arrogant way. He insinuated the Abbey, and more specifically, Artorius, was trying to get a hold on the commerce routes because they wanted to monopolize certain business. 

It’s a logical fear to have, considering the power the Abbey has been accumulating since the day it was founded, but the way the man said it irked Shigure.

 He may not know much about Artorius, but he knows about his ideals and what he pretends to do with all the work he’s doing at the Abbey. His reasons aren’t selfish and certainly not petty as the man implied.

Shigure sees Artorius working every day to achieve peace and he knows it has cost him terribly.

He didn’t really _do_ anything when he heard the man speak, but he wanted to. He wanted to get up, tell him to shut up and maybe hit him a little, why not. He didn’t know what he was talking about.

Shigure put his eyes on the man, his meaning plain as the day in his sudden change of posture, the hasty and oppressive intention he projected towards him.

The man felt it and his voice cracked for a second. And Artorius noticed, of course, despite Shigure standing behind him, he felt too the change of his _chi_.

“Shigure,” Artorius calls, now that they’re alone in the meeting room and giving up on cracking him “what was that about?”

Shigure can think of a few answers, actually. Like he can tell Artorius the man upset him for no particular reason, or that he felt something off about him and decided to make a warning. Or perhaps he can tell him the true, that he doesn’t like people judging him so easily, that it bothers him how little they know and how much they pretend to know; maybe Shigure can tell Artorius that he feels _protective_ over him and not just because is his job.

The possibilities temp him, but after a moment of deliberation under Artorius’ deep gaze, he realizes he can’t, at all, just tell him.

“Sorry,” he says with a sheepish smile and putting a hand behind his head “I think I’m a little restless and…well, that guy was not nice.”

It’s kind of the truth, anyway, Shigure tells to himself. He has indeed been restless and he didn’t like the man in question.

Artorius looks at him for a moment, considering his answer.

“I see.” He finally says, turning towards the door “I hope it doesn’t happen again.”

“No problem,” Shigure says halfheartedly. It takes him a moment to follow Artorius.  

* * *

Shigure doesn’t like lying. He hates it, in fact. And despite what he said to Artorius today wasn’t, technically, a lie, it still makes him uneasy.

He doesn’t like lying, specially, to people he holds dear.

It’s already late at night. Artorius had to stay a few more hours in his office since some urgent paperwork came in. Shigure doesn’t think any _paperwork_ can be urgent, but he stayed despite Artorius telling him that he could go, to keep him company.

The whole thing is resulting a little uncomfortable giving that Shigure cannot stop thinking about what happened earlier, both about what he did and what he said. Staying for longer than usual with Artorius isn’t really helping to clear his thoughts.

The sound of Artorius’ pen scratching against paper fills the quite of the night and Shigure absently watches him work.

He wonders what would happen, if he were to tell him. The first idea that comes to his mind is that he’s going to get monumentally reject; he doesn’t think Artorius harbors any kind of special feeling towards him, they’re not friends, they’re rivals at most, and that’s more on Shigure’s part.

So, certainly, it would be hopeless to tell him. It would only make things awkward between them, probably destroy the familiarity they have built these past weeks.

After some time, Artorius puts his pen down, stacks the documents on one corner of his desk, and gets up.

“You’re done?” Shigure asks.

“Yes.”

They start walking towards the door and then get out to the hallway that is unsurprisingly empty, at this hour of the night.

While Artorius locks the door and Shigure looks at his sharp features, he makes a decision. It’s a selfish one.

Shigure isn’t entirely sure what it means to be pure of heart; he doesn’t think the term should apply to him at all, he’s a selfish man, he’s full of vices and he lives only for himself. Apparently living with such clear, unwavering conviction grants you pureness.

In light of that, he knows that he shouldn’t try to subdue his emotions, to make them go away or hide them, since he believes there’s nothing wrong with them and being untrue to himself would create malevolence.

And it isn’t that he’s afraid of becoming a daemon, but that would mean that he couldn’t be alongside Artorius anymore, that he couldn’t fight him like he wants to, so, really, the decision he makes is a selfish one.   

“Hey, Artorius,” Shigure calls, “about what happened today…” he lets the sentence drag on.

 “What is it?” Artorius asks, putting the key in his pocket and turning to see him.

“Well, I…wasn’t really sincere with you,” Shigure says, slowly, measuring his words.

Artorius frowns ever so slightly.

“What do you mean?”

Shigure takes a deep breath and his anxious behavior puts Artorius on edge, too.

The hallway is empty and silent. The only source of light are a few torches distributed along the walls, but the nearest one is a few good meters apart so they’re cast in shadows.

It feels weirdly intimate. 

Shigure takes his time considering his next move. He has decide what he wants to do with what he feels, but some reason he’s having problems to say it; he’s actually fighting the urge to disregard what he just said and pretend it didn’t happen. 

So he can’t talk. Maybe he can act, then.

He gives a slow step forward in Artorius direction, seeing how he reacts. Artorius tenses a little but he doesn’t move. Shigure rises his left hand and puts it against the door, besides Artorius’ right shoulder and, after a last moment of thoughtfulness, he leans forward. 

Shigure kisses him, slow and conscientious, ready to be punch in the face but _hoping_ earnestly for reciprocation. Instead, what he feels are Artorius’ lips shivering against his own. He would like to think they tremble in excitement, anticipation even.

He separates leisurely from him, keeping his face just far enough to be able to see him, but close enough that their breaths intertwined still.

Artorius is frozen before him, eyes wide and features tense; his lips shiver yet again, like he is afraid.

And he _is_ afraid.

Shigure gulps. He’s both marveled and horrified at the sight before him, because Artorius looks positivity terrified, and he has never seen such emotion adorn his face, Artorius has never look so _human_.

And that’s what Shigure has wanted for a long time now, to see the man he met so many years ago again, to prove that Artorius is not just the head of the Abbey; that he’s just not the world’s hero; that he is, over all these things, just Artorius Collbrande.

But he didn’t want it like this. The feelings that Artorius is showing now are not what Shigure wanted to evoke in him, that’s not what he wants him to feel, that’s not what he wants Artorius to feel for _him_.

Shigure lets his hand fall at his side and gives two big steps back, rising between them the distance he worked so hard to shatter. Artorius relaxes visibly at this.

“I’m sorry,” Shigure says immediately, loud and clear and sincere, “I… It won’t happen again.”

He doesn’t wait for an answer, he doesn’t deserve to be grace with that kind of decency after what he just did. He turns around and starts walking rapidly down the still fortunately empty hallway.

Artorius is still frozen in place and it takes him a few seconds too long to regain control of himself. He breaths deeply and turns to look at Shigure getting away from him, as fast as he can without running.

“Shigure.” He calls, but his voice comes out strangely quiet and soon he stays alone.

_Alone…_

* * *

When Shigure gets to his room his breathing is ragged, the moment he was sure he was out of Artorius’ line of vision he sprinted the whole way here. Fortunately he encountered no one, he was probably a sight to behold.

“Shigure?” Morgrim says from his bed “Shigure, what’s wrong?”

She gets up and walks to the edge of the bed, watching him with worry. He must look terribly, he thinks, if Morgrim has that look on her face.

“I…” he starts saying. He sweeps his hair with one hand and laughs, dry and humorless “I went and messed it up.”

Morgrim looks at him for a moment before sighing a little ‘oh’ and casting her eyes to the floor.

None of them say nothing for a while and the quietness just puts him more on edge, he had expected her to have something to say, with how she was talking the other day.

Shigure can’t bear the oppressive silence so he starts telling her what happened, without looking at her. He tells her of the meeting, of the little lie he said and how it didn’t sit right with him, of how he felt he needed to tell him if only for his own sake and how he couldn’t.  

He tells her of the kiss, of Artorius’ terrified face.

And Morgrim probably knows this by now too, but he tells her about how he treasures every glimpse he gets of Artorius looking human and alive, how much he loves to be around him and how he would like it if he were happier, how he wants to _make_ him happy. 

He doesn’t care that much about being rejected, actually, he’s most aggravated by the look on Artorius’ face. Shigure doesn’t tell this to Morgrim, but she probably can tell.

“Oh, Shigure.” She sighs and gets off the bed to rub herself against his legs, trying to comfort him.

Shigure picks her up.  

* * *

Artorius gets to his own room in long, steady steps. His face a blank sheet, composed and betraying no emotion.

It’s only when the door closes behind him and lets him in the obscurity of his room that Artorius allows himself to _breath_. 

His legs feel weak so he leans forcefully on the door and looks at the carpeted floor, breathing somehow rapidly, like he just sprinted all the way here instead of carefully walking.

He is…not quite sure what to feel. No, more accurately, he doesn’t know what to _think_ , because he knows what he’s feeling, he knows it quite well and it frightens him.

It would be a lie to say that Artorius didn’t saw it coming, because he has always been aware of Shigure plain, obvious interest in him. He had thought, time ago, that Shigure was simply curious of him, he knows Shigure respects and admires him as a swordsman so his interest in him could’ve easily come from there but this…He saw it too, miles away, when Shigure would look at him with a special glint in his already brilliant, honest eyes.

He saw it but chose to ignore it

Shigure is easy to read, being how sincere and unapologetic he is about his feelings but he didn’t thought that…The occurrence at the meeting should’ve been warning enough, but Artorius disregarded it too, choosing to believe Shigure’s words at the moment.

He was aware that Shigure was having a little too much fun with his job as bodyguard, he was aware too of his wish to know him better. Artorius had thought, just mere minutes ago, that Shigure was going to be sensible enough to never, ever act on his feelings.

How naïve he had been. Naïve and careless, because Artorius thinks that this could’ve been avoid, if only he had a little more of self-control.

It’s difficult to don’t _like_ Shigure, he is so open and laidback, so _bright_ ; even if sometimes he gets on his nerves he’s a joy to be around, his mere presence is imposing and lively, and having to spend so much time with him lately just made impossible to don’t grow fond of him.

His biggest mistake on that regard was to tell him about Celica. Granted he didn’t say much, but it was a significant moment and after that Shigure was even more obvious on his desire to know him better.

Artorius has always appreciated Shigure, despite all his flaws, as a valuable asset at the Abbey and to the goals he pursues, but he never pretended to become friends with him, let alone—

The first time he met him Artorius was a different man, a less sensible, more selfish, foolish man, but Shigure found that fascinating and ever since, he has been chasing the ghost of that man.

He wonders if, even with today’s actions, that’s what Shigure is after.

After some time, his legs feel less like jelly so he walks into the empty room to get ready for bed. He tries to lose himself in the mechanical moves of undressing and putting in his bedclothes, but the task results impossible with the clear memory of what just happened.

Shigure’s warm lingers somehow over his lips, the delicate and slow movement with which he kissed him. It was a brief, chaste kiss; so utterly sincere, like all Shigure does.

He knows he shouldn’t, but he licks his lips and, subconsciously, tries to taste, to see if something of Shigure is still there.

The memory of the aftermath of the short kiss also comes to him.

To be honest, Artorius was scared, when he realized what Shigure was doing and why. He’s still scared, not because he finds Shigure or his feelings frightening but because he found himself, despite his lack of participation, wishing earnestly that he didn’t stop.

He’s so afraid of the feeling Shigure has awaken within him. He’s so afraid of being _weak_.

He gets into bed, hoping that sleep will find him quickly, but instead his mind wanders, both to what just happened and to more distant memories.

Romance has never been a significant part of Artorius’ life. Any experience in that regard comes from his teenage years, but even then he had his mind on other, more meaningful things.

His master, Claudin, always said he was meant for greater things.

And it was in part from curiosity and in part because of his master’s insistence that he should ‘live a little’, that Artorius got himself involve with a few persons in his youth. Nothing meaningful, but he at least got his curiosity satiated and his master stop talking about it.

For many years, romance, love, sex, all of it held little importance to him, and he was busy traveling with his master, learning to be an exorcist, looking for a way to bring peace to the world.

But then Claudin died, taking a piece of his soul with him, leaving him alone in an unforgiving world where, even after he tried to carry on his master’s ideas, he was met with skepticism and arrogance.

His quest for a better world felt futile, the guilt of his master’s dead hanged heavy over his head and the pain in his heart for being unable to live to his ideals dragged him down, far away from the normins that had tried to help him and far away from the cities where malevolence was abundant and his failure obvious.

He was alone and broken, desperate. And at the end of such path, waiting for him, was none other than Celica Crowe.

And Artorius never cared about romance, love, sex; Celica made him change his mind.

Even if he didn’t deserve the calm happiness a life with her allowed him, he took it all the same. He was human after all, just as flawed like the rest of them but granted with the terrible gift of self-awareness.

Still, he grappled intently to such life. 

But then, as a reminder of what his master always said, The Opening happened. The life of a peasant, the simplicity of a mediocrity, the lack of responsibilities, none of it was for him.  

The Opening was a reminder of what he should be, a punishment for how he had absolutely failed Claudin; it was fate’s retribution for being selfish, for daring forget the duty he had to the world.

He was meant for greater things, after all: Love, family, happiness, they weren’t those.

So _this_ , he ponders, this is but another test to his will, this is fate _tempting_ him with warm feelings and fuzzy thoughts. He fell once, he thinks, he fell once to the soft embrace of another body, to the emotions that made the world seemed brighter and less cruel, to the hope that made him yearn for the next morning. He had fell once.

Not again, he reasons, in the middle of his dark, empty room, laying on his bed, still as the dead.

Not again. He has more experience now, he knows what he would get into, he knows why he mustn’t and he knows what he must.

Not again, he thinks, closing his eyes. Not again, he repeats to himself, inhaling deeply, calming his heart that defiantly flutters in his chest, hushing the thoughts of _possibility_.

Not again, because Artorius is, after all, meant for greater things.

* * *

The next day, when Artorius gets to his office, Shigure isn’t there. He thinks nothing of it, despite how punctual Shigure usually is, but when an hour passes and he’s still alone, Artorius feels something like worry rising in his chest.

After two hours, someone comes knocking at his door. It’s an exorcist trainee.

“Lord Artorius, sir!” The young woman greets, bowing deeply “I’m sorry about intruding, but Lord Shigure sent me with a message for you.”

Artorius takes a little too eagerly the note the woman is extending to him. He waits for her to leave the office and close the door before unfolding the piece of paper.

 _I’m not feeling well today, I’ll see you tomorrow_ , the note simply says in Shigure’s handwriting. There’s nothing more, just that.

Artorius folds the note again and without thinking about it, places it in the inner pocket of his clothes, close to his chest.

He doesn’t believe him. It would be a little too convenient for Shigure to get sick just after what happened yesterday, but if anything Artorius can appreciate, at some degree, that Shigure wishes to distant himself for a while. It’s the best course of action, the logical one.

Still, and unreasonably so, he feels disappointed at his absence. And strangely guilty, too, because if he hadn’t react like he did Shigure probably wouldn’t feel the need to hide for a while.

His absence is very telling, however, of how much this whole ordeal matters to Shigure. It’s makes obvious that his actions weren’t just a careless impulse but that he cares deeply about it, about its implications.

Artorius decides he will pay it no mind, no more than necessary anyway. He ignores the unusual oppressiveness on his chest and goes back to work. 

* * *

Morgrim doesn’t really blame him for his decision but she doesn’t entirely agree, either. It worries her, actually, since Shigure is man that faces his battles head on and with little to none reservation, confident and almost reckless.

So he saying he wasn’t going with Artorius today is not only unusual, but alarming. When she asked him about it, however, he simply said he wanted to give Artorius some time.

Lies, she had thought, but held her tongue.

Right now, she’s perched in the top of his wardrobe, watching him. He couldn’t go to the training ground since he claimed to be sick, but he’s taking advantage of his free time by doing some training. The room is tall and wide enough for him to make some moves, but he’s mostly just cutting the air with a bamboo sword.  

He’s been at it for a while and she stopped counting at the one thousand, three hundred and fifty seven cut. 

Shigure looks concentrated, Morgrim observes, the same furrowed brow of focus and effort he puts whenever he’s training. Every time he swings the _shinai_ he cuts the air with a long, satisficing sound, and all his cuts end always at the same height, his hands just a little below his navel, in front of his _hara_ as he calls it, the blade parallel to the ground.

He looks almost the same as he always do when he does this basic exercise. Almost.

She thinks that, if she were to receive one of his cuts with another sword, it would probably feel with little intention behind it. Of course, she can’t do that, but she has felt his cuts before, using a protective arte as shield when helping with his training.

She can tell there’s something in his mind that doesn’t let him put his heart on what he’s doing. It probably is driving him insane.

But this is the only way he has to get through things, the only way he knows, so she doesn’t say anything and observes.

After a few hours Shigure finally stops. His cut ends where all the previous one have, and he makes a motion similar to sheathing a sword to let the _shinai_ rest at his left hip. He’s breathing heavily and soaking in sweat. She finds curious how he never gets wind up in a battle, but he’s always like this after training alone.

“Are you done?” Morgrim asks him.

“Yeah,” he says, without looking at her, his gaze fixated on the ground. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

She sees him go. Her major preoccupation with this whole ordeal was that, if given the case, Shigure could end up producing malevolence; there’s just a slim chance of it but it’s still a possibility. Love is a sentiment that can be easily taint, after all.

It doesn’t seem like it will go that way, but what happened is hanging heavily over him.

There are no words of comfort that could help him, though, so Morgrim says nothing.

* * *

Shigure gets into the shower and stands unmoving under the flow, letting the water wash away his sweat and, if he’s lucky, his troubles too.

It doesn’t, of course.

The steams rises slowly around him, enveloping him in a warm, humid ambient, the water hits his muscles with just the right force and he’s left, in only for a moment, with a sensation of calm. He closes his eyes, leisurely.

He opens them again in an instant, however, as the memories of last night come to him.

He feels so…stupid, with all this. Stupid for what he did, stupid for what he’s doing right now, making a lazy excuse to don’t having to face Artorius today. It’s just probably making matters worse.

But he couldn’t bear the idea of having to see him after what happened. Shigure’s kind of afraid, if he’s honest, of what Artorius is gonna do now. Because he has to do something right? Or say something at the very least and since he couldn’t do it last night…

He deserves whatever Artorius is gonna say or do, however. He never could’ve guess that his actions were going to frighten him like that but he still feels guilty about it. So he deserves what he’s getting but at the same time he’s not sure he’s gonna be ok after getting it.

He feels even more stupid thinking about it. Shigure Rangetsu, head of the Rangetsu clan, scared of the consequences of his actions, unable to face them. It sickens him.

Shigure closes the water and steps out of the shower, dressing with clean, fresh, clothes, wondering how he’s gonna spend the rest of his free day. Probably wallowing in guilt and feeling pathetic, he muses with an ironic smile; he doesn’t want to train anymore since he can’t get in the right headspace for it at the moment, and that only makes him feel worse. .

He steps out of the shower and scans his room, looking for something to do. He sees Morgrim still sat at the top of the wardrobe, she watched him the whole time he was training, apparently unable to get tired of it. He once asked her how she could do it, stay in the same position or doing a single thing for hours and not getting bored; she said she had live long enough for a mere hours to feel quick.

She is worried about him, he can tell, the way her ears perk up and her eyes look for him making it obvious. He feels bad about worrying her too.

He takes a few steps in her direction, wanting to reassure her that he’s not quite all right at the moment but that he _will_ be. He has to be, if he wants to let this matter behind, to stay at Artorius’ side and fight him one day.

“Hey,” he calls, a lazy, kind of tired but sincere smile on his face “I’m that one that’s supposed to be gloomy.”

“Oh, you are,” Morgrim answers, without missing a beat “I just didn’t want you to feel miserable all by yourself, that’s all…” There’s a gentle spark in her eyes as she say this.

He laughs, quietly.

“Thank you, I guess.” After a moment of silence, he adds: “But seriously, I’m fine.”

Before she can answer there’s a knock on the door. They exchange a panicked look.

“Should I answer it?” Morgrim says, in a quiet voice.

“How?” he ironizes, it’s not like her paws are made for handling doorknobs. She makes a face.

“You’re supposed to be sick!” She reminds him, still in hushed tones.

There’s two more knocks on the door, this time more insistent too. They look at each other trying to come up with something but in the end Shigure throws his hands over his head and goes attend the door. It’s probably Melchior, anyway, he thinks, going to pester him about not showing up to his duty today, and Melchior can suck it so he sees no harm in talking with him.

Shigure opens the door wide and his breath gets caught in his throat, almost choking him.

“I see you’re feeling well.” It’s the first thing Artorius says under the threshold, his voice neutral.

Shigure wants to die right there and then.

* * *

Usually, Melchior leaves him alone. He doesn’t interfere much in how Artorius does things as long as he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing or what he told him to do, so, in retrospective, he should’ve know that if Melchior caught wind of Shigure not showing up to do his job, he was going to have something to say about it.

For whatever reason, Melchior showed up to his office and the moment he set foot on the place, instead of telling him why he came here for, he asked him about Shigure.

Artorius said the ‘truth’: Shigure was feeling sick so he couldn’t come today. Melchior scoffed at that and said it was probably a lie and that Shigure was just being his lazy, irresponsible self.

Melchior announced he was going to Shigure’s quarters to get to the bottom of things. Artorius got up a little too quickly and told him he was going himself. Shigure was supposed to be _his_ bodyguard, after all.

Predictable, Melchior didn’t oppose. Artorius was going to do what he wanted, give Shigure an earful, so there was nothing to discuss.

So, in an unearthly twist of fate, Artorius is now here, in front of Shigure’s door. He knocks once and gets no answer. He waits a moment before knocking again, a little louder this time.

There’s still no response and for a second Artorius contemplates the possibility that, maybe, Shigure was sick for real and that his absence has nothing to do with him. Maybe it was himself, after all, the one that was truly affected for what happened; the thought is _alarming_ , at best.  

And while he’s thinking about that, the door opens wide to reveal Shigure at the other side, dressed in his usual clothes, his long hair dripping wet, showing he just took a bath.

“I see you’re feeling well” It’s the first thing that escapes his mouth, his tone as even as ever but at his ears it sounds almost resentful.

Shigure looks at him with his mouth hanging open, loss of words for a few seconds.

“I…I am!” He exclaims “Looks like it wasn’t something to worry about.” He explains, trying to keep his lie afloat.

After a second of Artorius’ incredulous silence, however, Shigure sighs.

“Ok, you got me, I’m not sick, I wasn’t sick.”

“I assumed as much,” Artorius says, trying to don’t sound recriminatory. “That’s why I’m here, actually. Melchior also thought you were lying and was going to come see you but…” he makes a pause, deciding on what to say “…but I came instead.”

“I see.” Shigure says, slowly. That says a lot, he thinks, because it sounds like Artorius is being considerate.

They stay silent then. Artorius knows he must say something, even if just about Shigure skipping duty but he realizes, quite surprised, that he can’t. He can’t just reprimand Shigure about his behavior when he knows quite well why he’s acting like this, when he approves, in part, his approach to the situation.

Fortunately enough, or unfortunately so, he doesn’t have to say anything.

“Hey, Artorius,” Shigure calls, quietly. He figures this is as a good opportunity as any other to come clean.

His tone puts Artorius on edge, since it sounds a little like his voice last night, the same serious but cautious quality on it.

“I’m…really sorry about, about last night.” Shigure says, trying to meet Artorius’ eyes despite he obviously would rather not.

The hallway is empty, but at this hour of the day it wouldn’t be unusual for someone to come around this area and Artorius doesn’t want to be seen in this situation ( _what situation?_ he demands of himself).

“We shouldn’t speak about that here.” He says instead of acknowledging what the other said.

“Right,” Shigure concedes and, after a moment of hesitation, he says, somehow awkwardly “Come in, then.” He moves to let him pass inside the room.

Artorius pauses at the invitation. It would certainly be better to talk inside instead of in the hallway, but getting into his room feels a little to intimate, especially in their state of affairs.

But, despite that, it’s a reasonable proposal, so he takes it if with some reservations.

“Pardon the intrusion,” he says, stepping in.

Before Shigure closes the door, his cat malak makes a run for the exit and before Shigure can tell her anything, she’s long gone.

Artorius thinks nothing of it, or wants to think nothing of it, be he knows the malak has her freewill and that her and Shigure are actually friends, so she leaving them alone must mean something.

Shigure makes a face while seeing her go, something like betrayal adorning his features, but he doesn’t say anything and just closes the door a little too forcefully and turns to face him.

The room has just a few pieces of furniture, so it seems big and spacious. Artorius sees a small table with two chairs and goes sit in one of them without awaiting an invitation. Even if he doesn’t want to they need to talk, so better make it as quick as possible.  

He expects Shigure to sit at the table too, but instead he goes to sit at the edge of the bed, leaving a few meters between them. _Good_ , Artorius forces himself to think.

Silence rises once more, a little more oppressive, probably because the closed door gives them a sensation of being trapped. Here they are and here they have to fix this mess, there’s no going back once they talk.

“Then…” Shigure starts saying, his eyes locked on Artorius, “how I said, I’m really sorry about what happened. I shouldn’t have and I…” he makes a pause, breaths deeply with his nose and his gaze falls to the floor.

“Shigure,” Artorius calls, his tone calm. Shigure’s eyes look up at the sound of his voice “I’m not mad.”

Shigure is obviously beating himself up for what happened, guilty for getting that reaction from Artorius, so it’s better to clarify.

“I didn’t think you were.” Shigure says, and Artorius is taken back by that, “but I thought you were…” he pauses, looking for the right word “ _afraid_.”

“I was surprised and confused by what you did,” Artorius answers a little too quickly, his voice constricted, almost at the defensive “but I wouldn’t say I was afraid, or that I am.”

Lies, lies, lies. He’s so absolutely terrified about the torrent of thoughts Shigure’s actions provoked, about the emotions they awoke, the emotions Artorius thought were dead and buried as they should. 

It shouldn’t surprise him that Shigure doesn’t believe his words, or that he shows his incredulity so evidently on his face. Shigure frowns and not being one to keep quiet about his thoughts, he says:

“Yeah, well, you looked pretty scared last night.”

Artorius sharpers his eyes at this, trying to tell Shigure that he’s messing with forbidden territory. Such blatant declaration annoys him, even more so because it’s _true_ ; Shigure seems to think the act itself, the kiss, is what scared him but it isn’t that simple and Shigure doesn’t need to know the specifics of Artorius’ fear.

Shigure isn’t easily intimidate, however. Artorius both likes and hates that about him.

“Look, whatever _that_ was, I’m sorry. I didn’t show up today because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable” Shigure explains quickly “That wasn’t my smartest move, either but..." He lest the sentence hanging.

Artorius doesn’t like that Shigure seems to think of him as a victim. For years Shigure has showed him nothing but respect and admiration, in his own particular, sometimes annoying, way. Getting this kind of _pity_ from him infuriates him.

He doesn’t like it, he realizes, Shigure feeling _that_ for him. Everything else is fine, the respect, the admiration, the…the whatever made Shigure kissed him, but this, he cannot tolerate it.

“I’m not that weak,” Artorius finds himself saying, his voice hard “You don’t need to have that kind of _condescending_ attitude towards me.”

Now is Shigure’s turn to be taken back. He seems surprised at his small outburst but also relieved.

Shigure laughs, not at his expense Artorius can see, probably at himself.

“You’re right,” he grants “I’m sorry about that, too.”

Artorius almost rolls his eyes in annoyance.

“And please, stop apologizing, it…” He tries to don’t say it, but the words roll out his tongue almost by themselves “it doesn’t suit you.”

Shigure looks at him with an unreadable expression.

“You can’t blame me for apologizing so much,” Shigure explains, his voice small “I was scared, actually, I was scared that you wouldn’t want me around anymore, that you would want me to get away.”

Artorius feels himself losing a battle when he hears Shigure say that. The utter sincerity of his words, how he bears his heart at him like this, bravely or maybe foolishly, as if Artorius wasn’t going to break it, perhaps in spite of it.

How to be like this, he wonders, how to fly this high.

“Shigure,” Artorius calls, loud and clear, different from last night when his voice got caught in his throat “I would…I would never want you to go away.”

He doesn’t know if it’s strength or lack of it what makes him say it. Shigure looks at him dumbfounded, he wasn’t expecting this.

Shigure smiles, wide, bright, _hopeful_.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Artorius sees him smile and feels himself losing another battle. He can’t deny that he likes Shigure’s smile, that he likes his bright, unapologetic personality, his sincerity that sometimes is almost cynicism. He can’t deny how much he _adores_ the way Shigure lives his life, so different from him, it such a selfish way and despite being able to stay pure of heart.

Artorius envies that, that Shigure can say what he wants, do what he wants, can get what he wants and still be pure. He envies that and he knows its weakness, because Artorius could never.

He envies it as much as he admires, as much as he likes it. As much as he likes Shigure.

He gets up, Shigure follows immediately.

“I’m glad we could clarify all this,” Artorius says, as serious and still as ever “You can take the rest of the day. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He starts turning towards the door.

“Wait!” Shigure exclaims.

And Artorius knows he’s gonna lose whatever battles arises next, when he feels Shigure’s hand closing around his wrist.

* * *

They stay like that for a moment. Artorius is facing the door that suddenly feels terribly distant and unreachable. Shigure is holding his wrist with a softly but firmly.

Shigure has to take a few seconds to breathe deeply, trying to catch up with what his doing, like he can’t process what his body did almost on his own. He doesn’t want this to end just like that, as it wasn’t driving them crazy. Because even if Artorius doesn’t want to admit it Shigure knows what he saw last night; so he’s afraid, he’s terrified, okay, he can work with that, they can work with that.

Because Shigure knows what he just saw when Artorius said he doesn’t want him to go away. His eyes shined for a moment with something like hope, but also pain and of course, that fear that Shigure doesn’t understand but he wants to understand and be able to get rid of it.

This, he thinks, looking at his hand around Artorius’ wrist, is probably _too_ much for him. The fact that Artorius was able to hold this conversation it’s just prove of the man will power, of that strength Shigure admires so much but…he can’t get rid of the image of last night, of Artorius’ paralyzing fear.

Shigure wonders, for a moment, if this time he’s being a little _too_ selfish. His hold loosens.

And when he feels that Artorius turns, surprising both of them with his sudden movement. He knows he shouldn’t, he knows that the best would be to take advantage of Shigure’s weakness and head for the door, leave this conversation untold and go on with their lives: with the duty he has.  But Artorius finds himself desperate to know what he’s gonna find when he turns, desperate to know what makes someone like Shigure hesitate.

“What do you mean…” Shigure starts saying immediately like he just realized he was about to lose his only chance of asking “…what do you mean when you say you wouldn’t want me to go away?”

Artorius doesn’t know if it’s stupidity or some form of innocence what makes Shigure ask that. He doesn’t want to answer, what he said already implies too much, letting him know would only make matters more difficult because it doesn’t really matters what Artorius meant, he can’t be like Shigure.

He can’t have what he wants without falling from grace, without forgetting why he’s here, what he must do, in which direction he should fly. He can’t and, more importantly, he doesn’t deserve it.

But Shigure has been sincere with him, more than Artorius had expect, he owns him that much. Or maybe he’s just using that as an excuse to forgive himself for saying:

“Precisely that. I want you to stay by my side.”

“Yeah, but…what does _that_ mean?”

The ambiguous meaning it’s disturbing Shigure. He has spent most of the day thinking Artorius was going to give him a straight, rotund no, he was ready for that not for him do go hide behind uncertainty.

Shigure hates lying and he hates being lie too.

 Artorius can see that, because Shigure show his exasperation clearly on his face.  But he _can’t_ give him a straight answer.

Shigure, however, is determined to have one. The hold on his wrist tightens with resolve and Shigure pulls him closer. Artorius lets him, both because he _wants_ and because he can tell what’s gonna happen next, and it _scares_ him.

Their faces are a few centimeters away, their breaths intertwine just like last night. But the kiss never comes.

“What does it mean?” Shigure asks him again.   

And the kiss will never come if Artorius doesn’t answer. He’s quite alright with spending eternity like this, with Shigure’s hand around his wrist, close enough to admire his face properly, feeling his breath over his lips. He’s quite alright with saying nothing and don’t having to make a choice about this.

He has already lost so much, he has already sank so low, he doesn’t want, desperately, to fall again. His heart couldn’t bear it.

In this proximity, however, Artorius finds difficult to stay in control. He knows that to stay silent is the best course of action, Shigure is going to eventually tired down of waiting for him and he will resigned.

But as the time passes, is Artorius the one that tires. He doesn’t want to fall, but he wants this, he realizes selfishly, he wants this so much, he wants to feel the warm from last night again, he wants his heart to flutter in his chest, he wants to feel alive, he wants to be… _happy_.

Happiness has always been his biggest temptation. Hope his ultimate downfall.

And he’s weak, so very weak and selfish, and human. So, this time, Artorius leans forward.

Contrary to him, Shigure answers the kiss immediately, almost desperate, like he’s afraid this is all an illusion, a farce, that Artorius is gonna regret it.

And Artorius does regret it, but he doesn’t care, he silences the voices at the back of his head that scream at him to stop and think of his duty. The voices of his master, of Melchior, of himself.

Even Celica is there, warning him.

But Shigure closes the gap between his bodies, a hand goes to the small of his back and other at his face, cupping his right cheek, and the voices fall silent, taken away by the warm of his body and the candor of his kiss.

He wants this, he wants Shigure. And for whatever reason Shigure wants him.

Shigure doesn’t have time to really think about what is happening until after they’re a few minutes into the kiss. He feels so stupidly happy, even more so since this time it was Artorius who kissed him. It answers his question about what Artorius’ words meant.

Artorius’ left hand is trapped between his chest and Shigure’s, and it’s a special kind of torture with Shigure’s manner of dress since his hand is gloved and he cannot truly touch him, and he wants to.

But at the time being his more than satisfy with just kissing him. It’s a deep kiss, but it’s not rushed or especially lustful. It’s sincere, and warm and full of…of love, he realizes. The thought doesn’t scares him as much as he thought it would, but instead fills him with a warm calm that he knows well.

Being with Celica brought him peace. Begin with Shigure lets his soul rest, too.

How much, he thinks, how much his soul needs the rest.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i feel like i ended up writing a, uhm, softer version of them but anyway
> 
> this all started like weeks ago when the first kissing scene poped on my mind, i wrote it down and then i was looking for a way to give it context and the game gave me an excuse, this was also supposed to be short haha
> 
> i didn't write an aftermath for all this bc i honestly didin't think it up to that point, but they're happy ever after, Artorius gets over his issues and nothing bad ever happens bc i'm the writer and i say so <3
> 
> anyway i hope you enjoyed this huge thing, honestly i've never before wrote such a long one shot for any of my ships, but they inspire me; i think the next time i'll write about them it will be an AU tho, so i don't have to deal with half the stuff i had to here,
> 
> also i did proof read this but as you can see this is way too long, and i'm tired and all so pardon the mistakes, i will go back to it eventualy, if you see an atrocius mistake please let me know
> 
> Thanks a lot for reading, every comment will be appreciated! <3


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